Leaving a Legacy of Refuge

This guest blog post is written by Jamie Bailey of Expedition Marriage.

The Three Cs: Calm, Cool, and Collected

I will forever have these words etched into my heart and my mind. Those were the words spoken by my grandmother hundreds of times over throughout my childhood. They were spoken often, because they were needed often. Even from the earliest age, I don’t remember my life being anything close to calm, cool, or collected. I think if I were to return to the generations before me, I believe those words would still only be relative for instruction instead of descriptive of the atmosphere or anyone’s mind. The 3 Cs were greatly needed in our family, But unfortunately, the only access we seemed to have to them was when they flowed out of my arthritic, bedridden grandmother’s mouth.

I loved my Grandma very much. She fondly referred to me as her little buddy. She was crippled with severe rheumatoid arthritis for as long as I could remember. Her bed was a place in my home that I often frequented. We would curl up together and watch cartoons, or what she referred to as “funnies.” Some days we would craft and cut out pictures from magazines or make little cities out of milk cartons and egg crates. I would often wash and lotion her feet and paint her nails. Usually a soft peach color, which was a favorite of hers. I loved to serve my Grandma, I suppose I loved it because, in her own way, she loved to serve me too. I felt like my Grandma needed me as much as I needed her.

It was in my Grandma’s room that I had a retreat, a safe haven. She was the only thing close to calm, cool, and collected, and it drew me in. She was riddled with pain and her body was misshapen from her disease, but her spirit was still so very alive. Her room often smelled of Bengay or some other form of arthritis cream, and she always had extra ice cream bars in her personal freezer. I’d often find her writing out recipes that she was never going to make on tiny little note pads. So tiny you could barely make out her beautiful cursive print. A print that I could never understand the beauty of because of the condition of her hands. My Grandma was a creative dreamer, a dreamer filled with hope.

My Grandma was my only refuge—well, until I met Jesus.

I spent many years of my life feeling unloved and pretty much the exact opposite of calm, cool, and collected. My heart almost had a franticness to it, a desperation that was longing for love and for safety. Have you ever been there? I truly believe that all that time spent in my Grandma’s room hearing her remind me of three seemingly silly C words over and over again as we curled up in her twin bed together, would eventually become a large part of paving the way for me to trust Jesus in the same way that I did her.

When I hear the invitation in Psalm 91:1-2 invite me to come and dwell in the Lord’s shelter, and for Him to be “my refuge and fortress, my God, in whom I trust,” I go back to the days and times with my Grandma and because of how she comforted me. I can rest there much easier. Oh, how I long to be a woman who points others to the safety, calm, and love of Jesus.

As an adult woman, a mom of three daughters, I can’t say I always found it easy to be calm, cool, and collected, but memories of my Grandma always make me try. I want to be a woman who shows my daughters the calmness of Jesus, the calm of the One who has the ability to trust His Father enough to sleep through a raging storm on the sea. I long to show them what it is to have composure under times of stress. To be able to gather up all my spiraling thoughts and take them captive making them obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). I want to be a woman like my Grandma, a woman who lived crippled up in pain. Yet still rested under the wing of her Heavenly Father while also singing His praises. He is a God who is worthy of that, you know.

The way my Grandma lived stood out, just as scripture tells us it should.

It wouldn’t be for many years later that I would recognize the love of my Father because of the love she had for me (John 13:35). In the dark, chaotic place that was my home, my Grandma, those funnies, and that peach-colored nail polish were all the light in my darkness. That is how I want to live. I want to live the calm, cool, collected life. I want my life to be the light that shines in this dark world.

If you are a woman longing for love, for calmness, or for peace, it’s right there for the taking, I promise. It’s not always easy to find or easy to grab ahold of, but it indeed is always right there. In whatever darkness you are in, just reach out your hand and there will be a God who will grab ahold of it and pull you right up under His wing, snuggle you in, and remind you that you are indeed safe and secure in Him.

My Grandma passed away long before I ever came to know Jesus. But I have no doubt there was much rejoicing in heaven the day I began my walk with Him. I was finally learning to walk out the three C life. And after all these years, it turns out, that as much as I loved my Grandma’s refuge, my Father’s is even better.