Razor-Edged, Sacrificial “True” Love

Picture it: 3:30 a.m. on a cold February morning in 2018. The pain of my new artificial knee had reached a nine. Indeed, my six inch-long centipede of a scar felt like it would rip open from my agony. So I quietly sobbed alone in my bed, not wanting to disturb anyone. My sleepy husband padded down the hallway. He heard me crying and systematically proceeded to add ice to the machine designed to freeze out my pain. In that moment, my adult self experienced from the receiving end something new first-hand. What was it? Razor-Edged, Sacrificial “True” Love.

As a young 13-year-old girl, wondering and dreaming about what love is was my part-time job. Staring out my bedroom window at the willow tree, my eyes followed the dancing branches.  Singer Karen Carpenter waxed nostalgic about how she fell in love “before the second show” on my worn-out vinyl record. My “first act” of true love was still quite far from view. Yet I furiously scribbled the lovesick, poetic ramblings of a romantic schoolgirl. These paper fragments lay tucked inside a box in a kind of hope chest of unrealized dreams.

Such musings are the distorted beginnings of a budding romance addict. If you think I’m kidding, your thinking would be flawed. And as a student of literature, plenty of saccharine-laden kindling stoked the torrid flames of idealized, romantic love. And as time went on, I developed an idealized image of who and what my ideal mate would be. First and foremost, he would be an unrelenting romantic. I imagined us both writing novels and sharing all our writings with one another as white swans glided gracefully past our rowboats as they drifted through Central Park. In my mind’s eye, we were entirely devoted to one another during our every waking moment. And our relationship? Effortless!  Our destinies were to fall hopelessly in love and be immersed in that overboard feeling forever.

I did meet the love of my life.

He fit perfectly into my valentine-y fantasy, except he was a lawyer and not a writer. But the perfect valentine had some cracks in it. Problems arose. Money struggles. Colliding ambitions. Miscommunications. Power struggles. Vast impasses of disagreement and biting indifference. Busyness and responsibility. Pain. Disappointment and heartache. Such problems indeed exact razor-edged wounds.

Now I realize this isn’t exactly a testimony for realized romantic love. And frankly, it isn’t supposed to be one. Because true love transcends romance. It trudges through the mud of life. And it perseveres through tough trials and tribulations. Knee deep in refuse, outfitted with knee-high wellie boots, true love stubbornly entrenches itself to go the distance. And that’s what a 37-year-old track record of love looks like in my marriage. Indeed, it’s less Hallmark Card and more war movie, in the final, honest analysis.

I realize this blog isn’t delivering a sappy V-day story wrapped up in a chocolate-covered bow. And I apologize a bit if that’s what you were looking for here.

But I imagine at least some of you can relate to the cold hard truth. Love hurts. It’s messy, selfless, and often you give until it hurts.

So as Valentine’s Day nears, romantic fools like me face a challenging crossroad. And four possibilities present themselves. Either their high expectations will be miraculously met or their hopes will be dashed. But a third scenario is also possible and that fork in the road involves denial. They can simply invest little time and effort in expressing love. But there is a fourth and more realistic alternative: Redefining what love really is and setting about to give it rather than focus on receiving it. To be sure, in the final analysis, it’s what Jesus modeled and everyone needs to receive is a razor-edged sacrificial “true” love.

The Virtue of Patience

The famous passages in Paul’s letter to the Corinthians lay out beautifully what love is as well as what isn’t. Indeed, each of these aspects is worth an in-depth look. To my mind, it’s no accident that patience is listed as a top characteristic of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4. And we need it in massive doses as we relate to our spouses, young children, and aged parents. We even need it for love and acceptance of self when we come up short of our own unrealistic expectations.

Yet patience is probably the virtue in shortest supply right now with pandemic and lockdown frustrations. Paul surely included patience right at the top of his list because God gave him the deft discernment to prioritize it. We should, too. So when little Susie asks to hear her favorite storybook read for the third time in one night, we simply smile in love and comply. And when our friend confuses a time or date for the tenth time, we extend patience and grace.

Hallmarks of Kindness

In addition to patience, kindness is included in Paul’s description of love. Defined, kindness means “having or showing a friendly, generous, and considerate nature. We are told in Ephesians 4:32 to be “kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as Christ forgave you.”

That’s a tall order, isn’t it?

But it’s achievable when we partner with the God of the impossible. Even when someone is unkind towards us. In Luke 6:35 we read we are to “love our enemies and do good…for the Most High is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.” Colossians 3:12 tells us to put on kindness as if it were a garment. It may occasionally feel ill-fitting, but God will help us adapt to the fit He intends for us to experience in the effort.

I recently spent six months dealing with an adversarial situation of this nature.  I struggled with a seemingly ill-fitting garment of kindness, believe me! However, whenever losing my temper popped up in my head as an option, Jesus got out his divine iron and enveloped me with His strength. He came alongside me to help me smooth out and alleviate the wrinkles of my frustration. And the outcome?  Strife and discord disappeared and the starch of supernatural kindness evened out all anger, at least within me. And I’ve found that the more I partner with God in the ironing process, the less I’m inclined to want my own way. That’s a life win, friends!

Refusing to Demand

I’ve always struggled a bit with the “love does not demand its own way” part of 1 Corinthians 13. What’s wrong with asking for what we want, I wonder to myself? The answer is, nothing. But the chasm between ask and demand is as wide as the Grand Canyon. To ask means to request someone to do or get something. But a demand is an insistent and peremptory request, made as if by right.

As Christians, we know we’re are called to lay down our rights. Paul, in his letter to the Galatians, speaks of submission when it comes to freedom. He says “do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature, rather, serve one another in love.” Serving requires submission and submission cannot exist in the presence of demand. True confession: I’m struggling in my marriage right now with regard to demand. There are things I want to demand. I can ask but I cannot demand. And so I petition the Lord in my ask, hoping and praying for a result that lines up with my hopes and desires. This undertaking remains a work in progress, just as my volition to ask rather than demand is.

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

Are you a grudge holder? I used to believe I was above holding a grudge, but the longer I live, the more I realize there are a few “grudge spiders” lurking in the recessed closets of my heart. I’m asking God to help me clean them out. Love, indeed, keeps no record of wrongs, as Paul reminds us in 1 Corinthians 13. If we keep a running tally of grievances at the forefront of our minds, we can’t truly love the person. We simply continue to target as an imperfect perpetrator. Worse yet, when we choose not to forgive, we will not be forgiven either, as Matthew 6:14- 15 reminds us. “…if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

Indeed, no one is perfect this side of eternity.

I’m continually reminding myself of that these days.

And that admission helps keep the peace as we give and receive grace in all of our relationships. If we quickly forgive one another,  problems are less likely to fester. And for the record, forgiving doesn’t have to mean that complete restoration ensues every time. Situations regarding safety and boundaries must always be considered regardless of the presence of love. But God can always help you supernaturally to forgive even the greatest offenses as you move on or dig your heels in, whatever your situation calls for.

True Love Never Ends

Though the emotions connected to love may change as frequently as the shape of the moon, true love really never does end. The love of Christ is certainly the greatest example of love that will last well into eternity. But love on earth, deeply rooted in commitment, perseverance, and sheer determination, can transcend any emotion that waxes or wanes. That’s good news in a culture where ghosting, breakups, and divorce are as common as a cold. Join me in digging my heels into these traits of never-ending love. Let’s set our intention to love our spouses, our children, our friends, and even our enemies as Jesus would. The bar is high and we may frequently miss, but we can do all things through Him who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13).

Cindy‘s final installment in the three devotion trilogy is now available on Amazon in Kindle or paperback format!
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