The Bonfire of my Vanity
As a young woman in my 20s, I romanticized my fashionable writing life. I wore little French hats like Louise Bryant did in the “Reds.” I carried around a journal to jot down my poems and had a small cachet of exquisite writing instruments. Down to the lake I would cycle to write “on location” or play French chanteuse music in my apartment> There, I typed out diatribe after diatribe of my problems and psychological wounds. In my naiveté, I imagined that if I had the proper costume, the requisite props and an appropriate soundtrack, fame and a coveted job in Manhattan at a prominent publishing house would be mine for the taking!
Fast forward to the real world: as a newlywed in my 20s with a husband in law school, I took a job writing advertising copy for a department store. The Houston Post hired me as a freelance fashion writer. A series of promotions followed. My career took off and I made a name for myself in the glamorous world of fashion and celebrity journalism. I covered the Oscars, the Emmy’s and the Golden Globes.
I flew to Hawaii to interview Ted Danson in his luxurious penthouse suite. I covered political protests spearheaded by Martin Sheen and Jackson Browne. Ralph Lauren and Oscar de la Renta clinked my champagne glass at Mortimer’s in Manhattan. The entry “Cher’s birthday party NYC” found its way onto my calendar. French actress Catherine Deneuve climbed into a stretch limo with me at the Beverly Hills Hotel and I rode around with her for an hour or so.
My writing life came to a halt in 2001. Special needs parenting threw me for a loop. And in God’s timing, God led me to use my writing skills, experiences and my spiritual gift of encouragement to write a devotion book. The book would be for people looking for authenticity. I confessed, applied His word and reminded myself of His promises and faithfulness. As I was raised up for this task, He began the arduous process of helping me “get over myself.”
Before this refining process, the end game of making a name for myself was all I cared about. But this new endeavor was centered on what God wanted to say through me. Destined to write from a young age, I still didn’t know it would be for Him. In 1 Corinthians 7:17 we read, “Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him.”
These are powerful words from the Lord. They speak into the heart of every Christian. They are empowering when it comes to testifying about God and the work He’s done in my life. Hard statistics about sales of devotion books, prospects of commercial publishing for first time authors and costs associated with self publishing still hover in my “insecurity” corner.
But all through the process, God continues to teach me. Success in this world is far different from God’s plans and purposes. He is reminding me continually of how the writing of the book was an act of worship and that the publishing of it is an offering and is going to cost me my time and money. I swallow my pride to publish my own work.
It doesn’t matter to Him if I have the endorsement of a fancy publishing house. His Holy Spirit inspired me. His Son’s life modeled humility for me and His word reminded me that God’s idea of success is countercultural. And He helped me surrender financially to invest money for His kingdom purposes, all the while reminding me the money is, first and foremost, His.
So, flying in the face of logic and statistics, I moved forward. God brought amazing people into my life to bring the book to fruition. These differently gifted individuals helped me bring this dream to a reality. Because of their tenacity, vision and skill set, what was once a rough idea will now be printed locally and is now globally distributed!
And in an amazing “loaves and fishes” style, He worked a miracle. God took my year of work destined to be one book and turned it in to a trilogy! He has helped me part with my provision and my pride. He has taken my fear and turned it into raw, unadulterated faith. As we read in Deuteronomy 15:10 “You shall generously give to Him, and your heart shall not be grieved when you give to Him…the Lord will bless you in all your work and all your undertakings,”
Of course, spiritual opposition continues to rear its ugly head. I beat back all kinds of attacks. No one but friends and family will buy your book. You’re so vain, wasting your money on glorifying yourself. When these notions pop into my head, I beat back memories of past accolades. I sit at His feet in humility. God empowers me. He does it in His time and in His way to testify of His works in our lives. Verses like Acts 1:8 in The Message: “You don’t get to know the time. Timing is the Father’s business. And when the Holy Spirit comes on you, you will be able to be my witnesses…even to the ends of the world.” So I continue to walk by faith, one baby step at a time.
I remind myself I am only responsible for obeying God. And not for book sales or legions of Instagram followers. Nothing else matters except answering a calling to help God’s people understand His faithfulness. His eternal promises and the unique hope only He can provide by telling the stories He has shaped through my personal experiences. My story is and always will be shaped by His story and His prompting.
